Letter No. 54 [how can it be: the story behind the song]
Dear Friend,
Last month (September), one of my good friends got married. I got to play at her wedding and see my sister and friends from college—the entire weekend was a blur of happiness.
Before that weekend, I knew I was lonely, but after I landed in Nashville again, it hit me much harder than before. As I drove home, such emptiness engulfed me. I felt my smallness: a single individual in a small car, speeding down the interstate with hundreds of others around me who didn’t know me and wouldn’t, people with their own lives and families and friends, unaware of me or my deep sadness. It felt like there was nothing for me.
The same thing happened a few weeks later after my mom came to visit for my birthday weekend: an overwhelming loneliness after her departure, a reminder that I spend most of each day in solitude. I ache for the closeness and familiarity of family or friends I’ve known for years and who I know will love me regardless of what happens, but it is not mine to have right now.
“how can it be” came out of this feeling. Music helps me process and express, and I’ve been skirting around this issue in my other music, hinting at it but not looking it straight in the eye. This loneliness isn’t new; I feel like I’ve been feeling this since college. I’ve tried so many unhealthy things to cope with it, and always, the Lord has redirected my attention to Him, time and time again.
There isn’t anything that fills the void except Him. Any distraction I allow myself to be consumed by is always fleeting and leaves me feeling emptier than before, but the Lord is faithful. He sustains me, and I feel like He has been stripping everything away—all of the things I want to go to instead of to Him—and showing me that He is enough; He always has been and always will be.
That realization amazes me, as does the fact that even though I am so weak in my faith, all of that has been forgiven at the cross, and the Lord holds me, especially when I feel the most alone.
I started the lyrics a day after I got home from that weekend in Utah. Most of them came immediately, but I had to work at a few verses, rearranging their order and trying to condense everything I was experiencing into a few paragraphs. The good thing about songwriting is that your brain is always mulling over the words, even when you’re not working directly on them.
I wasn’t ready to release it in September, so I waited until today, October 12. The sunset picture on the cover is from the day I landed in Nashville after that weekend in Utah. For some reason, it gives me comfort that that moment in time is stuck to this cover art. :) The lyrics are below, and you can listen to “how can it be” on all streaming platforms. I hope if you are feeling alone, this song will comfort you.
Tara
Flying home
Back to solitude
After spending days with families
I love and call my own
In my head
Thoughts will jumble round
And tumble round
The lies, they mount
There's just one truth
Oh, how can it be, my life's already known
The hours that stretch before me
They're all known
The days are long
I try to fill them up with purpose
But this loneliness remains my constant friend
I make it hard
My eyes they tend to drift away
My feet soon follow
And then I find I've gone astray
But oh, how can it be, He said that it is done
How can it be, I only know His love
Oh, how can it be, He calls me as His own
And when this life will pass
Then He'll call me home
But until that day arrives
He will help fix my eyes
On the riches a good king
Gives His bride
He knows each day
He's made for me to walk alone
But not alone, I cling to Him
He is my stay
Oh, how can it be, my life's already known
The hours that stretch before me
They're all known